Yesterday Business Insider reported on a massive uproar surrounding the Detroit Lions’ booking of universally hated rock band Nickelback for their halftime festivities on Thanksgiving Day. And who can blame the Lions fans? For the first time in forever, Detroit’s not only posting a winning record — they’re actual playoffs contenders. This is no way to reward fans’ patience. Assuming that the Lions’ front office/talent booking department will heed the fans’ call to arms, here’s Hive’s five selections to replace Nickelback — so at the very least, we’ll all have a reason not to hit mute.
1. David Bowie
His long history of theatrics would be perfect for a halftime show, plus the Lions would lure him out of whatever amazing Bowie hole he’s been hiding in. He could open with “Panic in Detroit” and everyone would surely go nuts instead of going for nuts from the concession stand.
Detroit’s long been NFL underdogs, a similar status that influential garage rock band the MC5 endured throughout their career. But imagine “Kick Out the Jams,” complete with a great firework display and Handsome Dick Manitoba (who now is the band’s vocalist) kickstarting the halftime set — you’re guaranteed to play air drums with a turkey leg.
3. Omar S
Detroit’s known for its electronic music and everyone knows that to get a real party started, and a talented DJ/hometown house hero Omar S would give people reason to bump and grind on the big screen. Home viewers could do some sort of weird family conga-line and turn a normal turkey day into something memorable. Or just really awkward.
Everyone knows (or at least everyone on the internet, in Saturday Night Live‘s writer’s room and across the midwest) that Juggalos know how to party — and what a perfect way to take advantage of an audience who already enjoy faces painting. Crowds passing around Faygo with some rapping clown action will surely keep everyone talking about Detroit’s “Insane” halftime show well into the next decade, even if the Lions return to their abysmal days.
Give them a billion dollars and make us all happy, while simultaneously earning mad street cred for bringing the Jack and Meg White out of retirement. If only it would be that simple …