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Run-DMC‘s “Christmas in Hollis” has established itself as the token rap song to put on your cliched Christmas playlist. But beyond Run and DMC’s merry talk about how you should “never steal from Santa”and appreciate the homely joys of a “yule log” in the fireplace, there exists a small but exceptionally profane bunch of rap songs that take an alternative approach to the season. Instead of quaffing egg-nog and celebrating gift-giving in the traditional sense, these rap figures would prefer to shoot up the turkey with uzis and run off with everyone else’s presents. Here then are five choice rap songs that you might want to avoid playing at your festive family gathering or definitely play if you want your family gone.
1. Jim Jones, “Ballin’ On Xmas”
Culled from the modern rap Christmas classic A Dipset Xmas, Jimmy and the crew get down over the beat to, what else, Run-DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis.” Stack Bundles starts off by explaining how he wants to “kiss her like I got mistletoe in my pants,” Jim Jones talks about those “trying to get Christmas money off gram sales,” and, er, other than a couple of cursory references to Santa, J.R. Writer kicks a non-seasonal baller rhyme about how his clumsy ol’ lawyer “catch a case and drop it.” Deck the halls — it’s a Dipset Christmas! [Listen here.]
2. Mr. Lif, “Santa’s Got a Muthafuckin’ Uzi”
Trust a somewhat Marxist-leaning rapper to ruin the part of Christmas where Santa drops off your presents! Over a perky, xylophone-laden production, Lif recalls Santa and his little helpers sort of robbing his apartment, complete with knocking his cookies and egg-nog over. Calamity! Cue an all-out revenge mission to the North Pole — which also turns out to involve Bush and Cheney. Nerdy rap ears will also pick out a cameo from Edan, who turns down Lif’s offer to roll with him on the payback quest because, “I’m Jewish, man. You know, the Hanukkah. Fuck outta here!” [Listen here.]
3. David Banner, “The Christmas Song”
As miserable sounding a Christmas song as you could ever muster up, Mississippi rapper and producer David Banner’s take on the season of goodwill to all opens with the declaration, “It’s winter time and we still cannot find a job/ We fill out applications but you treat us like we’re slobs/ So we rob and we steal/ We’re just trying to get a meal/ ‘Cause it’s Christmas time and we’re broke again.” Then copious amounts of violence and robbery ensue. [Watch here.]
4. Luke, “Ho Hoe Hoes”
Unless you’re hosting a slutty smutty Miami Bass-themed Chrimbo party, popping on the 2 Live Crew leader’s Christmas at Luke’s Sex Shop EP might not quite be the most tasteful of moves. Nestled next to tracks titled “Christmas Fuckin’ Day” and “Christmas Spliff,” “Ho Hoe Hoes” puts a salacious spin on Santa’s catchphrase, complete with a call-and-response chorus based around the very adult gift of giving and receiving oral favors. We suspect this one is considered non-traditional. [Watch here.]
5. Eazy-E, “Merry Muthafuckin’ Xmas”
The ultimate rap flip of a festive ditty. The track opens with Eazy “dashin’ through the snow in a Caddy rag-top ’64″ with a girl who’s “takin’ it all the way” while he rests his “nuts on her chin ring.” Then Eazy breaks out into profane interpolations of carols — with his brilliantly awful singing, sometimes accompanied by fart noises. Somehow, Black Eyed Peas bods Apl.De.Ap and Will.I.Am are also involved in the anti-festive fun, with the latter telling kids “fuck ya wishes!” In hip-hop’s eyes, Christmas gets no better than this. [Watch here.]
