Stumped on how to pull off the perfect Valentine’s Day date this evening? Worry no more, smitten kittens, as we’ve rounded up a love-sick selection of rappers to help you woo and win over your secret crush.While we admit that our rappers’ advice might not be quite along the traditional schmaltzy lines you’re used to reading about at this time of year, we’d like to think that our panel of Lil Kim‘s former beau Maino, From G’s To Gents reality TV show graduate Riff Raff, Diddy‘s new poster boy French Montana, the rowdy Mr. Motherfuckin’ eXquire, and slick-mouthed V-Nasty have come up with nothing less than the sort of sagely suggestions that are sure to be re-appropriated in Nora Ephron’s next rom-com. So read on to discover how to bring the romance, rap style…
The Perfect Present
In the materialistic world of rap, gifts are the key to unlocking your crush’s heart. “Ladies love gifts. Give a girl enough gifts and you get another two or three months to play around with her,” French Montana explains. Speaking from the female side of things, V-Nasty endorses Montana’s sentiment, saying that a successful suitor has “… just got to buy me a lot of stuff. I like hats and tennis shoes.” Still, there’s still a place for tradition at times, so Montana adds that sending a bouquet of flowers is a must, while Ms. Nasty says sweetly that she’d also like to receive “a chocolate strawberry too!”
The Creative Card
Anyone can pick up a fancy hand-crafted, eco-friendly, screen-printed Valentine’s Day card, but what do you write inside to avoid coming off as cliched or sleazy? French Montana recommends updating a classic schmaltzy sentiment: “I’d go with that thing they say, like Roses are red, diamonds are blue/ I’m so happy since the day I met you.” For a more artistic angle though, eXquire recommends skipping the poem altogether. “I wouldn’t write anything — I’d draw a picture of me and a picture of her,” he says. “I mean, my autograph is a stick figure. I don’t like too many words.”
The Date Spot
V-Nasty may maintain that simply turning up to her house with a swag bag full of hats and tennis shoes is the way to woo her, but most Valentine’s Day dates are going to expect to actually go somewhere. According to our rap romeos, the key to picking a successful location is to consider who your date is with. “Even if money is no object, you got to do what you can to please that person and make them feel special when you go out,” Maino says. Getting a little more specific, Mr. Motherfuckin’ eXquire says that his fantasy date would be Erykah Badu: “like a super-human black being sexy woman,” is how he describes her — and that he’d “… probably take her to like a pet store or something to look at puppies.” (Pressed about which breeds the two of them would coo over the most, he says pugs.)
The Mixtape
Playlists may have replaced old-fashioned cassette mixtapes and CDs these days, but you’ll still want to compile a suitably sexy selection of music to seduce your date to. V-Nasty suggests going back to the new jack swing era. “A lot of love songs, like from Devante [Swing] and Jodeci, Keith Sweat, all that. Just old stuff; I like old stuff,” she explains. Balancing out the quieter storm, eXquire recommends his own “Build-A-Bitch” (sample sentiment: “All these bitches nowadays ain’t shit/ So I guess I gotta build a bitch”), while Maino guarantees that his “That Can Be Us” track is “… the perfect Valentine’s Day song right there.”
Alternatively…
If you really don’t feel in the spirit to embrace the Hallmark-sponsored February 14th, why not flip the holiday into an excuse to treat yourself? “I might just take myself out for a date on Valentine’s Day,” Riff Raff says. In his world, that would include a lobster dinner, a session “swimming in a pool full of money” and then heading back to his house to chill out in a strip club called Raff-Reezy’s Pizzeria & Strip Club. “We sell pizza in the back, have strippers dancing, and you don’t need no dollars — you just throw slices of pizza at a girl.” Alternatively, you can follow French Montana’s suggestion and treat yourself to a shopping spree. Asked about his ultimate date he says simply, “It would be with my ice. Just buy more ice.” So spend the day with the person, or thing, you love.
