In a branding move as ludicrous as 30 Rock character Tracy Jordan’s Meat Machine, The Charlatans UK frontman, Tim Burgess, has hood-winked the Kellogg’s breakfast behemoth into letting him launch his own cereal. As was widely reported yesterday, it’s called Totes Amazeballs — which Burgess told the NME he picked because “it sounded to me like something Willy Wonka would come up with.” Still, while the name might cause Burgess to chuckle, Hive knows he’s serious about his cereal — because the only alternative would be these Charlatans puns that would certainly be rejected by a large cereal boardroom.
1. Honey Nut Cheeri-Bowls
Reminisce about your days sporting Madchester’s official hair-style of choice, the bowl cut – fortified with essential vitamins, niacin, and a dose of Hammond B3.
The cereal that delivers 20% of your recommended daily fiber intake to keep you moving and banish the aching inside of you. (Note: The Only Fiber One I Know can also help you manage your weight.)
3. Crashin’ In-Aroos
Ready to get on your way? Have you moved on up to the city today? Kick-start your day with a bowl of the whole grain oat cereal that’s guaranteed to prevent you from staying boring and snoring!
4. Some Friendly Breakfast Polar Bears
Whenever you’re unsure what day it is, and you’re possibly freezing to near-death without any clothes on, make sure to reach for that warming box of Some Friendly Breakfast Polar Bears!
5. Sproston Green Slime
Lurid lime green in color, it’s the cereal that’ll have you thinking it’s part of something wrong — be afraid!