Kim and Kanye as John William Waterhouse's Tristan and Isolde, sharing a cup of swagu. Illustration: Old Red Jalopy
When Kanye West swooped in and plucked Kim Kardashian once her sham marriage to Kris Humphries ended, everyone assumed it was just some momentary fling, two pretty celebs looking to blow off steam and have a good time. Everyone was wrong. So wrong. Kanye is rumored to be designing an engagement ring, and he revealed new song “Perfect Bitch” is about Kim, which obviously means we are witnessing the beginnings of The Greatest Love Story of Our Time. The only remaining question is whether Kimye is the Greatest Love Story of ALL Time. Historically, no timeless couple has had a portmanteau label — Romiet? Juleo? ugh — but if anyone can end the drought, it’s Kimye. So we looked back at some of history and literature’s most iconic romances to see how Kim and Kanye’s love stacks up.
1. Cleopatra and Marc Antony
Their story: After a crushing military defeat, Marc Antony stabbed himself, thinking his lover Cleopatra had done the same. So, about that: He died in the arms of his very alive love. But she soon held up her end of the pact.
Kimye’s story: Kanye is certainly dramatic enough to pull a move like that. But, considering Kanye would never admit defeat, and considering that Kim is unable to feel basic human emotions, we can say that their story will have a less bloody outcome.
Edge: Kimye. Not dying beats dying, every time. Although, if the two of them really wanted to cement their cultural legacies …
2. Dante Alighieri and Beatrice Portinari
Their story: Despite their infrequent encounters and Beatrice’s marriage to another man, the poet was so smitten that Beatrice served as his muse. Back then it was called courtly love. Today, it’s called stalking.
Kimye’s story: Kanye’s art was similarly inspired by love from afar: in “Theraflu” “Way Too Cold,” he reveals he had fallen for Kim while she was “married” to another man.
Edge: Kimye. Sure, Beatrice inspired some of the most important literary works in the history of civilization, but Dante never tapped that ass.
3. Paris and Helen of Troy
Their story: She had the face that launched a thousand ships.
Kimye’s story: She had the sex tape that launched a thousand careers.
Edge: The Trojans. Rapping about a woman you love? Psh, who hasn’t done that. When Kanye goes to war for Kim, then we’ll know it’s a love for the ages.
4. Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir
Their story: He was a key figure of French philosophy. She inspired generations of women’s rights advocates. Together they palled around with the biggest names in European existentialism.
Kimye’s story: The pair recently palled around with Joe Francis, the biggest name in topless coed VHS tape distribution. Coincidentally, anyone in that trio’s vicinity found validation of Sartre’s claim that “Hell is other people.”
Edge: Jean-Paul and Simone. Reading Nietzsche doesn’t make you Nietzsche, unless you are Nietzsche reading over your drafts.
5. Romeo and Juliet
Their story: The OG ride-or-die couple.
Kimye’s story: Like the Shakespeare play, this love tale doesn’t involve real people.
Edge: Romeo and Juliet. Forbidden love is so much hotter than overexposed reality television tabloid fodder love.
6. Jay-Z and Beyoncé
Their story: Drug slinging street freestyler becomes business mogul, woos fierce independent woman, together they create world’s favorite baby.
Kimye’s story: Big-assed sex tape star becomes “business mogul,” woos hip hop artiste, together they create carbon dioxide.
Edge: Jay and Bey. Kanye said it himself: He would never dare compare Kim to the lovely, talented class act that is Beyoncé.
7. Napoleon and Josephine
Their story: After 14 tumultuous years together, Napoleon divorced Josephine for failing to give birth to an heir. But she got to retain her title of Empress of the French.
Kimye’s story: With DONDA and G.O.O.D. Music, we’ll soon find out if Kanye can build an empire. Kim’s official title will be Empress of the Vapid.
Edge: Kimye. That said, we’d rather not find out if Kim can bear children.
8. Jack and Rose from Titanic
Their story: A society gal and a pauper share a brief love that consists of handprints on steamy windows, joyful exclamations on the ship’s bow, and amateur nude sketches. After that pesky iceberg butts in, Rose watches her lover perish in the icy sea.
Kimye’s story: A lowbrow society gal and a highbrow rapper share a (brief?) love that consists of awkward reality show cameos, joyful exclamations at Lakers games, and amateur nude photos. Probably.
Edge: Kimye. If a similar tragedy befalls them, we can only hope the roles are reversed. No, not the dying part. This part.
9. Queen Victoria and Prince Albert
Their story: The first cousins were married for 21 years and had nine children together. Albert’s death sent the Queen into a decade of mourning and seclusion.
Kimye’s story: Well, they’re definitely not cousins. Nor do they understand this strange concept of “seclusion.”
Edge: Queen Victoria and Prince Albert. When Kimye dissolves, the mourning will be tweeted, televised, etc. God save us, the Queen, etc.
10. Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love
Their story: Grunge’s most toxic couple taunted Axl Rose and wrote a song about Courtney’s vagina. Kurt later killed himself.
Kimye’s story: We’ve all heard about Love’s heart-shaped box, but we’ve all seen Kim’s. As well as every other aspect of her life.
Edge: Kimye. They’re not as outwardly dysfunctional yet, but referring to your girlfriend as a “Perfect Bitch” is a solid start.
